By Victor M Fontane
Definition of Destructive Behavior
Each system of ethics has its own list of destructive types of behavior based on different ideas of what is and isn’t acceptable. Religious and civil systems base themselves on laws that come from heavenly authority, a head of state, or some type of legislature. When we disobey, we’re guilty and need to be punished; when we’re obedient, we’re rewarded either in heaven, or in this life with a safe and harmonious society. Humanitarian systems focus on not causing harm to others, but this is also problematic: can we always judge what is really harmful or helpful to someone else? For instance, yelling at someone may hurt their feelings, or it might help them to avoid some danger.
Buddhist ethics emphasize refraining from self-destructive behavior – especially acting in ways that will harm us in the long run. If we yell at that driver madly trying to pass us on the road, it may make us feel better for a moment, but it also unsettles our minds and shakes up our energies, causing us to lose peace of mind. When we make yelling a habit, we’re unable to tolerate any inconvenience without getting upset; this damages not only our relations with others, but also our own health.
When, on the other hand, our behavior is motivated by genuine concern for others, with love, compassion and understanding, we naturally refrain from yelling even if we automatically feel like doing so – we graciously let that driver pass. The result is that the driver feels happy, and we also benefit: we remain calm and peaceful, with a basically happy state of mind. We don’t repress our urge to yell and end up frustrated. Rather, we see that everyone on the road equally wants to reach their destination as soon as possible, and so we understand the futility and pointlessness of trying to make our drive into a race.
Buddhism defines destructive behavior as acting compulsively under the influence of disturbing emotions and negative habits. We don’t discriminate correctly between what’s harmful and what’s helpful, either because we just don’t know what’s best or perhaps we do know, but we totally lack any self-control. The main disturbing emotions are greed and anger, plus naivety about the consequences of our ways of acting, speaking and thinking when they’re driven by these trouble-making emotions. On top of this, we often lack any feeling of self-worth, and so don’t care at all how we behave. We have an attitude of whatever, where nothing matters except a few superficial things like how we dress, what our hair looks like, and who our friends are. We certainly don’t care how our behavior reflects on our whole generation, or on our gender, race, nationality, religion, or whatever group we identify with. We lack self-dignity and self-respect.
There are many physical, verbal and mental actions that are destructive. Buddhism delineates ten of the most harmful ones. They are harmful because they nearly always arise from disturbing emotions, shamelessness, lack of embarrassment, and just not caring. They come from deeply ingrained habits and, as a result, reinforce our negative tendencies. In the long-run, our destructive behavior results in an unhappy life where we continue to create problems for ourselves.
There are three types of physical behavior that are destructive:
Taking the life of others – from another person down to the tiniest insect. As a result, we have no tolerance for anything we find unpleasant; our immediate response to anything we don’t like is to strike out and destroy it; frequently we get into fights.
Taking what has not been given to us – stealing, not giving back something we’ve borrowed, using something belonging to someone else without permission, and so on. As a result, we always feel poor and victimized; no one will loan us anything; our relations with others become based primarily on mutual exploitation.
Engaging in inappropriate sexual behavior – rape, adultery, incest, etc. As a result, our sexual relations are mostly short-term and both we and our frequent partners merely objectify each other; we’re attracted to things that are basically filthy.
There are four types of verbal behavior that are destructive:
Lying – knowingly saying what is untrue, misleading others, and so on. As a result, no one ever believes or trusts what we say and we don’t trust what they say either; we’re unable to tell the difference between reality and our own fabrications.
Speaking divisively – saying bad things about others in order to cause them to part from each other or to make their enmity or estrangement worse. As a result, our friendships don’t last because our friends suspect that we also say bad things about them behind their backs; we lack any close friends and so feel isolated and lonely.
Speaking harshly – saying things that hurt others’ feelings. As a result, people dislike and avoid us; even when with us, others can’t relax and often say nasty things back to us; we become even more isolated and lonely.
Chattering meaninglessly – wasting our own and other people’s time with meaningless chatter; interrupting others with our meaningless talk when they’re doing something positive. As a result, no one takes us seriously; we’re unable to sustain our attention on any task without checking our hand-held device every few minutes; we get nothing meaningful done.
There are three ways of thinking that are destructive:
Thinking covetously – because of envy, obsessively thinking and planning how to get some thing or some quality someone else has or, even better, to outdo them. As a result, we never have peace of mind or feel joy, because we’re always tormented with negative thoughts about others’ accomplishments.
Thinking with malice – thinking and plotting how to hurt someone else or how to get back at them for something they’ve said or done. As a result, we never feel safe or are able to relax; we live in constant paranoia and fear, afraid that others are plotting against us too.
Thinking distortedly with antagonism – not just stubbornly thinking something that’s contrary to what is true and correct, but also arguing in our minds with others who disagree with us and putting them down in an aggressive manner. As a result, we become even more closed-minded, completely unreceptive to any helpful suggestions or advice; our hearts likewise become closed to others, always thinking just of ourselves and that we’re always right; we remain ignorant and stupid.
Irrespective of our religious background or belief, restraint from these 10 is pertinent for anyone wishing to lead a happier life and avoid the consequences of his own actions.
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